Who Would You Rather?

I know, I know. Where the Hell have I been? Honest answer, nowhere really. Just wasn’t very inspired till just now. I was watching this movie called Spring Breakers and realized I didn’t know if I would bang if given a chance between Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens. So I decided at 6 in the morning that I must figure this out before I think of sleep. With that I figured it would be a good time for a “Who Would You Rather?”.

So I will start with Selena. She is hot enough that you might be willing to have sex with her knowing she had herpes and you’d be ok with it. I mean, they’re just bumps and this chick is dumb hot. She dated Bieber. If Bieber dates you, you gotta be an animal in the sack, No question. Bieber hangs in brothels and bangs super models. She has to know what she is doing. Has to. Also its been rumored that she went to rehab for being addicted to Bieber. So she’s Ride or Die. Wow. I love a chick who gets addicted to me. She is clearly a little nuts. I love a crazy chick who is addicted to me. Bring on the restraining orders. Won’t work. She needs me like an addict needs her drug.

The only thing I am not really into is that I have watched her grow up. My nieces used to watch her on some show when she was young. Whatever. She is grown up now but I gotta find something and that is what I am going with.

Now for Vanessa Hudgens. I am a huge fan of this girl. Really. If she was a stripper I would spend countless hours throwing ones at her. God has given her a special gift. She has the ability to look completely innocent one moment and in the next moment she looks like a girl who stars in femdom porn. Holy Jesus she is hot. Sorry Selena but Hudgens is in my top 10. Can’t really find a negative. That is a scary thing for me. Means if I ever saw her I am all but guaranteed to get at least arrested for exposing myself to her. I don’t even care. I might be willing to do 30 days in jail if I can show her my junk. Hudgens wins!! If you are willing to do a little jail time for a girl then thats who you would rather bang. 

PS- Yo Hudgens if you for some reason see this and would like to let me expose myself to you and you can have me arrested, I’m in. 10000%

Secret Service Solicitations

Washington (AFP) – Agents and supervisors of the US Secret Service have engaged in misconduct in 17 countries in recent years, The Washington Post reported Friday.

It quoted accounts given by whistleblowers to a Senate committee that oversees the Secret Service.

These accounts contradict assertions by Secret Service leaders that the agency does not tolerate sexually improper behavior, Senator Ronald Johnson, the top Republican on a Homeland Security subcommittee, said Thursday, the Post reported.

Johnson refused to give details of the allegations.

But the Post said two people briefed on the accounts said they include agents and managers hiring prostitutes and visiting brothels during official trips.

They also allegedly had extramarital affairs on the road, and had one-night stands or long-term relationships with foreign nationals that were not properly reported, the Post said.

The Post said one whistleblower told the paper that senior management was aware of agents hiring prostitutes on foreign and domestic trips.

The paper reported this week that two members of President Barack Obama’s security detail were removed from that job after allegedly sending sexually explicit emails to a female subordinate.

One of those disciplined, Ignacio Zamora, had led an internal probe into a scandal last year in which more than a dozen Secret Service agents drank and caroused with prostitutes ahead of a presidential visit for an international summit in the city of Cartagena.

The Secret Service learned of Zamora’s e-mails to the subordinate after he tried to retrieve a bullet that he had left behind in a woman’s room at the posh Hay-Adams hotel near the White House, the Post says.

 

Morning fellow big mouths. I’ve been up since 4, scanning the news for something to write on when I stumbled upon this. Apparently Secret Service dudes love sex. What a fucking shocker! Last time I checked most dudes love sex unless they are into dungeons and dragons or some shit like that.

I don’t see the big deal here. Whats wrong with a random bj on a lonely Tuesday night in Bolivia? Nothing, thats what. It’s not like they are having sex with any old girl. They are paying for it. Thats what a prostitute does. You pay her, she gets you off, you never see each other again. Everybody is happy. End of story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Week Hangover

So as many of you know, the Red Sox won the World Series. I was at Fenway for the series clincher and it was amazing. Then the next night was Halloween. And then Celtics home opener. Then the World Series parade. Then finally the Pats game.

As much fun as I had, my body got run down and I’ve been sick as a dog. I haven’t felt like doing anything but I am starting to feel better so its time to get to blogging again. Sorry about the hiatus.

Whores

What A Night

YESSSSS!!!!! The Sox won the World Series and I was in Fenway to see it (Thanks to my excellent friend, Matt Handy). It was an amazing night at Fenway. So much love just buzzing thru the place. It was a once in a lifetime experience, that I truly will never forget.

My life until the past year or so was not the greatest and when that final out happened it was a “different” thing for me. You see, just 6 years earlier my life was not in a good place. I was living above a local bar on an air mattress. I remember watching the Sox sweep the Rockies and wishing that I could have been there. I promised myself that the next time the Sox played in the World Series that I would be there. I didn’t have any right making that promise to myself.Last night I fulfilled that promise. Amazing. I was in Fenway and got to watch the Sox win the championship. Shit still boggles my mind.

Enough of that though, this is about the Sox. They healed Boston. After that awful day in April when we were all devastated and heart broken as a city and individuals, the Sox were all we had. And little did we know, they were all we needed. From Papi and his “this is our fucking city” to Nap and the beard mafia (beard mafia is my own nickname for the bearded Sox), the Sox never let us down. Never mind baseball, this team was an inspiration for life.

I will never forget last night. It was so magical. As I waited for the final out I looked around and saw the joy in everybody’s faces, I saw a city united. High fives and hugs with strangers. With 1 out to go I looked around and it felt like I was about to party with 50,000 of my best friends. I went to Fenway to watch the World Series and ended up at a huge party that everybody was invited to. Thanks for the invite Red Sox. I had a great time.

 

PS- Last night I ran into at least 10 people who told me they have been reading the blog and they enjoyed. Thank you to you people. It is deeply appreciated.

Great Day To Be From Boston

What a glorious day to be from Boston and have a big mouth! (nh) Today we can potentially win a World Series title. Another title for another amazing team from Boston. This one is extra special though. It is extra special because none of our titles since 2001 have been won here. 

I can’t even begin to explain how huge this is for us Bostonians! Last thing I want to do is take away any steam from the Sox but in April it seemed like this city was hit with a punch other places never get up from. Well guess what world? You can’t bomb “Our Fucking City“!!! That shit does not fly around here. We will catch you, throw you in jail, stand together stronger than ever and force you to watch our shitty, lil baseball team beat the fuck out of everybody.

It is no secret the Sox were never supposed to be here. People picked them last. Fuck those people. I hope your newly grown beard itches like scabies. How dare you ever doubt this place!! This place is special. This place runs on teamwork. That’s how you succeed. Working as a team. Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork. 

I am like a little kid on Christmas right now. I am going to be at Fenway tonight. Head held high, chest out, unruly beard, hand on my junk, Napoli shirt on back. I will be glowing. A lot will have to do with the Sox win the World Series. But make no mistake that glow has to do with being from Boston, the greatest city on Earth.

 

Going To Rehab For “Insight”?

Los Angeles (CNN) — Chris Brown is reaching into Lindsay Lohan’s playbook for avoiding jail: Go to rehab before your court date.

The singer’s arrest Sunday on an assault charge put him on a path toward a possible prison sentence, but he will be in a rehabilitation facility as his next court date approaches.

“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” said a statement Tuesday night from his representative. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

There has been no indication that Brown, 24, has a substance abuse problem. The behavior that has landed him in legal trouble over the past several years has been anger management.

Ain’t this some shit. So Chris Brown was out punching people again this weekend. Another weekend, another assault for Breezey. How is this dude not in jail yet? If I punched somebody I’d go straight to jail. Never mind if I punched Rihanna, who for the record I would love to punch…with my penis.

So now he is going to rehab for “insight”? You got it backwards bro. You take DMT or mushrooms to gain “insight”. You go to rehab to stop doing hard drugs. And as you see above, there has been no indication that Brown has a problem. This dude is just going to rehab to chill.

In reality he is going to rehab to attempt to avoid a jail sentence. What an ass clown!!

And another thing…. Who the fuck takes a page out of Lindsay Lohan’s book? Her book closed the day she started dating that chick DJ. If I think I can’t fuck a girl because she likes girls, I don’t think about her anymore. Its a waist of time. Lindsay Lohan is not someone you should look for to get inspiration. Ever.

The King Holds Court

The NBA returns tonight. I still like the NBA even though many people can do without it. I realize it’s a different game then the one I grew up watching but still find it worth watching. Tonights game features 2 of the premiere teams in the NBA, the Miami Heat vs.The Chicago Bulls.

 Tonights game features 2 of the premiere teams in the NBA, the Miami Heat vs.The Chicago Bulls Miami is coming off their second championship. Led by the best athlete on the planet, LeBron James, Miami looks as though they are still the favorites to win the championship again and complete the 3-peat. Miami is hardly a 1 trick pony. Also returning are Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh,  Mario Chalmers, Udonis Haslem,and Chris “The Birdman“Anderson. This team is stacked with role players. Toss in the often injured Greg Oden, a former #1 overall pick, and Michael Beasley, a former #2 overall pick with a love for the ganga and Miami could possibly the deepest bench in the NBA.

As for Chicago, they return the only other person to win the MVP award in the past 4 years besides King James, Derrick Rose. Rose is coming off a horrific acl injury and didn’t play at all last year. Good news for Chicago fans is Rose has look like the Derrick of old in the preseason. And with Rose out last year other players had to step up for the Bulls.  Luol Deng, Joakim Noah, Taj Gibson, and Jimmy Butler gained valuable experience and look to be even stronger with the return of Rose.

With all of this, I say Miami wins. Rose will be good but preseason is a lot different from opening night in Miami with the King getting his second ring. I believe they complete the 3-peat and become a modern day dynasty. It is LeBron’s kingdom. He just lets us be lucky enough to watch his greatness on the court.

#GETBEARD

I just came home from dinner at Tasty Burger and everywhere I looked I saw beards. The Red Sox are about to win the World Series and if they do it will be because of their beards. Everybody is following the lead of the Sox players and growing beards.

I am a huge fan of this “Beard” movement. I am good with not shaving. Razors are fucking expensive. And since I shave my head and grow one of the coarsest beards ever, I spend a lot of money on razors. Point blank, it could go towards beer. Beer is way better than razors.

Let’s not forget the MAN factor. Manly dudes have beards. Chicks dig beards. A chick sees a beard and she thinks “Oooh!! I wanna sit there!”. It drives them fucking crazy. That right there is all the reason I need to not shave. So let me get this right. I don’t shave, save money on razors, and look homeless as fuck and you get turned on by it. Sign me up and add this to the file Things I Wish I Knew In High School.

With this all taken into consideration, I have decided I will not shave after the World Series and participate in No Shave November.

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man. – Shakespeare, William

Here is a pic to document my beard growth as of the day before game 6 of the 2013 World Series. (Yes. I have no idea what day it is and I am too lazy to look.)

$142 for a Wedding……Great Deal

             

Yahoo.com– When Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell said “I do” at theBeverly Hills Courthouse on October 17, it was a no-frills event for the well-liked twosome, which the “Parenthood” actor discussed for the first time on Monday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”

“I’m a frugal person. Your wedding, when I was there — thanks for having me — there were helicopters overhead,” the 38-year-old said, referring to Kimmel’s lavish July wedding to Molly McNearney in Ojai, California. “It felt like an episode of ‘M*A*S*H. … Not that I was counting your money, but I was counting your money because it was flying out the windows. They were setting it on fire at the place.”

“We all appreciated it,” Dax, who attended with wedding with 33-year-old Bell, continued, “but I made a mental note when I watched that. I thought: I’m going to go a different route. So we went to the Beverly Hills Courthouse and — all in, with fuel to get there — $142 out the door.”

Dax mentioned that while his “Veronica Mars” star bride has a wedding ring — which we assume is in addition to the $142 price tag — he opted not to get one. Though that could change. Kimmel, who bought his band (as well as a replacement … already!) for about $300 at Costco, offered to take the actor ring shopping at the wholesale store.

While Dax and Kristen, who welcomed a daughter Lincoln in March, didn’t invite any guests to their wedding, they had two friends meet them after the ceremony and their pals brought a cake which seemed fitting for the comedic couple.

“It was just Kristen and I at the courthouse, so they brought us this cake afterwards: ‘The World’s Worst Wedding,'” he said, sharing a photo of the message on the cake. “How many people can say they threw the world’s worst wedding?”

World’s worst? Nah. It sounds pretty perfect to us.

Perfect? You ain’t kidding. I never understood spending all that money to get married. Big waste if you ask me. The girl already has a huge diamond ring. That should be enough.

Lets be real for a second. Honey, if you got my ring then I’m obviously crazy about you. I don’t just go around handing out diamonds to every broad I meet. Especially when I know girls who toss out the vag for little more than a cup of coffee. (NOTE-Girls, their is nothing wrong with coffee.)

So back to my ring. Your ring. Whatever. If you have it you’re my girl. And 90% of the time that means we did some freaky shit that made me think I don’t need to look for sex anywhere else. (EX: Sex in a bathroom stall, role playing, etc. You get it.)

So since you have me wouldn’t the wedding money be better spent towards a house that you can decorate super feminine while I work to pay the mortgage.That money can help.

I know these 2 are millionaires but who cares. These 2 are cool for saying “Nah. Fuck a wedding.”. This chick is super cool for letting it go down that way. And she is even hotter because I keep picturing her having sex on the floor of a Target bathroom.